On book clubs

I lived in Dublin from 2008 to 2018, London from 2018 to 2022, and then moved to Liverpool, where I remain (for now). I’ve become something of an expert at navigating adult friendships; making new friends in unfamiliar places and tending to the garden of your existing friends when you move somewhere else.

This post was inspired by my wonderful book club, Feminist Fiction Liverpool, who I spent the weekend with, decorating cakes and doing crafts. I went along to my first meeting three days after I moved to Liverpool, because I was determined to make my own set of friends outside of the one university friend I had in the city, and I got what I wanted and more out of the group. I made some of the best friends I’ve ever had, as well as learning new things, reading books I wouldn’t have ever thought of picking up and meeting people who I don’t think I’d have crossed paths with.

I think a lot of people think that book clubs are the reserve of women in their fifties, who want an excuse to get pissed on Chardonnay and read Fifty Shades of Grey (and all power to them!), but FFL has been a lifeline to me. The best thing about it is that the people (we do welcome men, although we don’t get many attending!) who come along are from different backgrounds, at different stages in life, with varying interests and reading styles.

It’s odd to have such a large group where I can honestly say that everyone is kind, open minded and funny. People are at different levels of extroversion, that works perfectly, and we all have different backgrounds and interests. We have regulars, and people who come once. It’s a nice mix, but the warm vibe remains constant. It has become a home for me in Liverpool.

If you’d like to come to one of the FFL meetings, follow the Instagram, and check out our Eventbrite page. I also have some quick advice for maintaining friendships over time, space and distance.

Give each other graceThings are going to change! If you’re the one who’s moved, you’re going to get left out of lots of things. This doesn’t mean that your friends have forgotten about you. They’re just getting on with life with you in a different city. You may not text every day anymore. Assume the best of people, and that the love you still have in your heart for them is as present for them as it is for you.

Find different ways to be thereIf you’ve left, you won’t be able to show up for your friends in the ways you’d like. A close friend of mine recently had a health scare with her young child, and I felt awful that I couldn’t support her in person like I would have had I been home. I texted her daily, called her when she was able, and tried my best to be a good friend. I think (I hope!) she knows how much I love her, her child and her family, and that I’m always going to be there for her. Similarly, you won’t always be there for the christenings, funerals, and weddings, but you can write cards, send condolences, post thoughtful gifts. There are more ways to be there for people that aren’t in-person presence.

Accept that you may not stay friends with everyone foreverThis is the hardest one, but not every friendship is an everlasting relationship. Like lovers, friends can be lifelong, or they can come in and out of our lives for short or long term periods. A lot of friendships won’t survive the distance of you moving city or country, and that is ok. Hold love in your heart for those you’ve drifted from, even if things ended badly. You never know when people will come back into your life.

Different life stages don’t spell the end of friendshipsWhen I was younger, I thought all of my friends and I would get married and have children around the same time, and now that I’m a happily single person who lives alone and doesn’t want children, I laugh at how naive I was. So many of my friends are at different life stages to me, losing parents and other loved ones, having children, getting married and any manner of things that make life different. You can usually weather the storm if neither of you take the other for granted. Parents, don’t assume your child free friends can do all of the travelling, single people, don’t roll your eyes when your married friend moans about their spouse. Welcome new people into your life with open arms. It has been the greatest joy to love the partners and spouses of my beloved friends, and to see them become parents.

Lastly, and most importantly, make an effort!I regularly travel back home to Ireland, to London and other places in the UK. It’s worth it to see the people I love. Conversely, they make the effort to visit me. We go away together, and we think of each other when we’re not together. We keep up with texts, phone calls, cards, letters, whatever we feel works. It doesn’t take a lot to sustain love, but it will die if it’s not tended to.

I know a lot of my friends read this blog, so if you’ve gotten this far, thank you for being the loves of my life. Thank you FFL-ers for making Liverpool home. I am very grateful to all of you.